10 Tips for Writing Meaningless Marketing Drivel for B2B Audiences
Start with talking about the state of the world today. Your readers don’t actually live in the present, so they will need your explanations of how the world works, today.
Com-splain your audience’s industry to them. Think of this step as a novel blend of man-splaining and complaining. Dumb down industry basics. Describe general problems. And then complain about how hard it is to get paid to try to solve those problems. This is how you demonstrate empathy for — and build trust with — your audience.
Write in long paragraphs. The biggest joy of internet writing is that there are no inch-limits to pixels, like there were in newspaper print. So, get your readers to scroll below the fold to find the meaty stuff. Their finger-pads need the exercise.
Talk explicitly about your company and your product. Your readers should obviously know — and care deeply — about what your company does, and how you do it. Tell them even more about your product feature list, before you tell them why it should matter to them in the slightest.
Cite pay-to-play industry sources and reports. Back up your claims by citing statistics and arguments published by analyst firms your employer pays. Readers don’t know anything about this secret fact market. Use this to your advantage.
Get 5 internal people to approve before you publish. Everyone knows writing — and editing — by committee makes for snappier, more effective marketing copy. Don’t forget your company’s Legal team. They might need to add some qualifiers to your clauses.
Structure your content as a listicle. It’ll get clicks, it’ll get bounces, and you’ll get your SEO team off your back by making your content look, and sound, like everyone else’s.
Say absolutely nothing new. The best way to produce effective thought leadership content is to quote, and follow, industry experts.
Add a stock image of an ethnically-ambiguous person smiling at an out-of-focus office object. Everyone likes these photos, especially when the depth of field is as fuzzy as the subject’s ancestry. If you can’t find an appropriate photo of a person, use a picture of an off-center coffee cup, ticked checkbox or white keyboard instead.
Give readers the option to ‘learn more’ or ‘discover more’ at the end of your article. Naturally, they will be unable to resist these hypnotic phrases, and will join the cult of your corporate followers.
